By now most of us understand that it is a Man’s Game in the National. Foot. Ball. League. And part of that understanding takes form when a new wave of players are drafted into the league each year. Shortly thereafter – and we mean shortly as in not-even-in-town-yet-shortly – they and their new team must be evaluated instantly, and, because this is the NFL, in the manliest way imaginable: with letter grades from elementary school.

But letter grades, important and as crucial to one’s future success in the NFL as they are, are not the only way to evaluate players before they’ve played a down or taken part in one training camp practice. Here then, using our interpretation of a grading system you might find in one of those “new age feel-goodery” schools, are the abundantly critical and valuable grades for the Green Bay Packers in the 2014 NFL Draft.

Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S.

Grade: Hammer.

Comments: Or we could call it Yellowhammer because there’s nothing wrong with becoming ‘Bama North, Roll Tide. Also hammers are basically better than anything else at busting stuff up, and that is our vision of you in this defense, Ha Ha.

Davante Adams, WR.

Grade: Penguin.

Comments: Is there a more perfect spot for a penguin to be than Antarctica or some other ice cube in the Southern Hemisphere? Penguins live in the place that makes sense for them, and in drafting Adams, the Packers gave him something similar and no we weren’t trying to make a weather joke in there it just happened.

Khyri Thornton, DT.

Grade: Giant panda.

Comments: Thornton was a Packers fan growing up in Mississippi and appears lovable and fun and so do pandas. Until provoked, that is, when pandas then snap you from your roots like the last stock of bamboo on the hill.

Richard Rodgers, TE.

Grade: Parrot.

Comments: The first thing you probably know about parrots is that they mimic certain aspects of other beings, like humans. But, really, parrots are pretty neat all by themselves. They aren’t here to imitate others all the time, even if it happens to be a notable trait. They have other traits. For one, parrots were able to get along with pirates much longer than could have been expected of them, and they should be a good fit in any locker room because of that.

Carl Bradford, LB.

Grade: Spider.

Comments: Spiders can seem fine to talk about when they’re not around. When you might think it would be a reach to see them where you are. But then you enter a room and there’s one up close on the wall and you think, wow, these fellas really can succeed either outside or inside can’t they.

Corey Linsley, C.

Grade: Pick-up truck.

Comments: (The voice of Denis Leary shouts, tough and blue collar-ly, to Green Bay): ALRIGHT SO YOU NEED A CENTER WELL WHY DON’T YOU JUST DRAFT ONE YA WIMP.

Ted Thompson: K.

Jared Abbrederis, WR.

Grade: White-tailed deer.

Comments: Finally answering the siren songs from people across the state of Wisconsin, their hopes for his presence to stay nearby heard for the first time by the holy and almighty draft guru (and also The Board, whom you don’t f*ck with under any circumstances). No one had to resort to scenting themselves in urine, but you’re damn right it would’ve happened if deemed necessary.

Demetri Goodson, CB.

Grade: Basketball.

Comments: Sports, you can play a few of ‘em, and sometimes the skills needed in one prove handy in another. Look, these grades may seem harsh to you, but they’re REAL!

Jeff Janis, WR.

Grade: Vinyl.

Comments: Ted Thompson is the NFL’s super-under-the-underground-music-aficionado general manager. Oh, you haven’t heard of Jeff Janis, or a place called Saginaw Valley State, before? Huh. That’s too bad. Been there about four times. Great area, good people. I’ve been scouting Jeff here since the electricity in his brain fired in a way that told him to give the sport of football a try. You mean you haven’t seen his rough cuts against Wayne State? Wow man, that’s a shame. Great stuff in there. But really, it’s too bad you haven’t heard of him. You’re really missing out.
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(Note: As per regular NFL Draft rules, these grades are final and binding through life. Though it should be mentioned: extravagant bribes will always be considered if you need to pass a math class or something.*)

* – Excerpt borrowed from an NCAA compliance book.